Weight and Dating- Part 4

Southern Mom is in town visiting, so I’ve been playing hostess/tourist.  While I have a few moments, I’ll continue posting in my “Weight and Dating” series.  Today we hear from Ms. Jenn and Dez.

Ms. Jenn is a 28 year old woman who is born, raised, and currently living in Washington, DC.

I’ve been in a relationship for the past 6 years, and I am a size 18.

I would like to start by saying I’m honored to render my opinions on this topic. It’s the story of my frigging life. I absolutely, positively, 100% find plus size men attractive. My first crush was Ice Cube in “Boyz in the Hood”, and we all know he was rocking a lil baby fat in ‘91. In fact it is my preference to date bigger men…could this be because I’m a bigger gal? I’ve often asked myself this, and I’ve decided that my weight has nothing to do with it. Aesthetically, I enjoy the look of a bigger man’s body, the softness of his belly, and the way his clothes fit him as opposed to just hanging on a thin frame. Again these are just my opinions not the gospel!

So since I feel this way about big men it’s obvious that I will date them. The man I’ve been dating for the past 6 years is plus sized, and I love all 280 lbs. of him! I love the way he looks in and out of his clothes and find that he pays attention to that and shows off for me!

So would I encourage him to loose weight? Only if I was ASKED to solicit my opinion! When my mate got into a car accident 2 years ago, he sustained a knee injury that kept him off work and on the couch for 6 months. Needless to say…he picked up about 25 lbs. Now I didn’t mind it a bit, but he complained about the extra pounds and said it was affecting his asthma. He asked me if I would jog with him and change the cooking until he came off the weight. I did, and within weeks of doing that and him going back to work, the pounds were gone, and I was back to the regular program. I’m just saying its not about weight…its about being comfortable and confident with yourself and going for what you really like instead of being bothered with other folks’ shallow bull. Live life on your own terms and embrace all of yourself.

Dez is a 32 year old newly engaged man hailing from Hilton Head, SC that currently lives in Atlanta, GA.

My response to this subject is that we are living in a superficial world where everyone thinks that you need to be a certain size in order to be found attractive. Females have it extra hard because of the things that we see on television and in the movies, but for me my fiancé is not a size 6 but she has the perfect body for me. I consider my fiancé a curvy female and that is my preference. Living in Atlanta, I definitely see all kinds of shapes and sizes and a lot of females that live here actually work out non-stop. My fiancé works out in order to maintain her figure. I honestly feel that if a person wants to get in shape it should be for the right reasons, such as living a longer life, living healthier, and eating better. Getting in shape shouldn’t come as a result of trying to find someone to date.

Why is it females who are considered plus size are insecure about their appearance? I know plenty of females who are larger than their other halves, but also they are all African American as opposed to other races. African American men tend to like females that have a little size to them. In my book, I feel as long as you are happy with the way you look and you are healthy, a woman should not have to alter her looks in order to find someone to date or to be accepted into society.

Thanks to Jenn and Dez for their participation.  We’re almost done with our series, then I’ll be sharing my personal thoughts.  Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!

Weight and Dating- Part 3

As promised, today we hear from Ms. Toni and Bishop Williams (clearly not his real name). 

And for those of you wondering, yes, I have my own thoughts, which I will share with you at the conclusion of this series. 

Ms. Toni is a single, 38 year old woman originally from Saginaw, MI that now resides in Beltsville, MD.

I am a plus size woman. In other terms I am overweight. Obese to be factual, but I don’t have any weight related medical issues (Diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol etc). I like who I am and although there are a few things I’d like to change, for the most part, I enjoy my body. When I see another overweight/ obese person (depending on how he is shaped), yes, I find some of them very attractive. If asked if you are attracted to overweight/plus size people, a lot of people shirk at the idea. That’s why I believe they came up with alternative names for larger people– Plush, Thick, Soft, Big Boned. They use these terms in order to not just say the harsh reality. “I’m attracted to heavier people.” Some will even say they prefer a fit, slimmer person, but when no one is looking they are really undercover “chubby chasers” – winking at and admiring the large confident person walking by. I also believe that this question is equivalent to asking if you like sugar cookies or chocolate chip; everyone has their preference, and you can’t get mad at their answer.

Because of my size, I like to look at a man and feel like we would have a great wrestling match in the bedroom, without any worry of me squishing him. I also enjoy the feeling when I snuggle up with a big man. Having a live Teddy Bear works for my smile! I do need to clarify- I enjoy dating plus size, confident men who have pride in themselves. A well groomed, nice smelling big boy with confidence in his walk will have me walking over smiling, asking “How you doin’?!” *Wendy Williams voice* So not only have I dated plus size men in the past, I prefer it.  I’m a Big and Tall men’s store stalker. But again, it all depends on how his body is shaped.

 Because I don’t want to incur any weight related health issues I try to stay semi-active. Not necessarily a gym rat but I’ll take a good walk, climb stairs, and dance around to cut out the huffing and puffing during normal movement. Would I push my health ideals of what he needs to do on him?  No.  I would let him know what I am doing and ask him to join me. The choice is entirely his. But, if I see some weight related issues going on (sleep apnea, heavy breathing, irregular sweating, etc.) I’d suggest for him to seek a doctor’s opinion/care. If I notice that he grossly eats, I’d encourage him to make a few changes to his diet along with me and again, it’s his choice.

 So to sum this up, I love a plus size man. As long as he is well groomed, confident, shaped well, and based on how he views and takes care of his health.

Bishop Williams is a single, 29 year old man that currently lives in his hometown of Houston, TX.

This question for me is not a yes or no answer.  With that being said, my answer is, “It depends.”  I can’t say that I am not or never have been attracted to some overweight women, but when it comes to dating, I do prefer a smaller woman.  That is not to say I would not ever date an overweight woman, but she’d just have to get my attention in another way first.  I like pretty women, first and foremost, so if I meet an overweight woman with a pretty face, she has a chance.  Now let me clarify that a pretty face is just a start.  If she has the right attitude and a nice personality among other things that I look for, then we can talk.  Now in order for us to get serious, with all things being equal, I’d have to see a concerted effort on her part to live healthy (eating, drinking, exercising and sleeping), which will ultimately bring her down to her optimum weight.  The primary reason that overall health and appearance are a big deal to me in terms of a mate is because they are a big deal to me personally.  I would not ask a mate to do anything that I wouldn’t do or am already doing.  I personally think overall health is important from a physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional standpoint.  The physical, in my opinion, somewhat serves as a window for one to see what may be going on inside and/or behind the scenes.  And yes, if I did meet an overweight woman whom I clicked with, I would do my part to encourage her to live healthy, but only if she made it up in her mind that that is what she wants to do. 

Thanks to Ms. Toni and Bishop Williams!  (Did ya’ll see how short his response was?!?! Kidding!)  Be sure to comment folks.  I know you ALL have an opinion.  Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!

Don’t Take Anything for Granted…

Yesterday on Facebook, most of my friends posted this article, which tells the story of William “Reds” Brawner, the young man who is HIV positive and had unprotected sex with multiple women during his matriculation at Howard University. 

Now, before I begin sharing my thoughts, let me give you a little background about Mr. Brawner.  At 18 months old, he was the recipient of a blood transfusion due to burns received from scalding hot water.  Months later, William’s mother, Linda, received a call from a doctor stating that her son may have received blood from a donor who had GRID, which stands for “gay-related immune disorder” (AIDS originally name).  Living in Philadelphia, Linda had her son tested and his results came back positive;  William had HIV.  Linda, along with her family, decided not to tell anyone that William was HIV positive.  While William knew of his status and was even an AIDS activist on campus, he knowingly had unprotected sex while in college.  And what’s even more shocking is that he didn’t tell his partners. 

In the film “25 to Life”, William, his friends, and his family, relay their stories about his experience and what they also went through.  At least 3 of his partners from Howard were interviewed.  So far, it has been determined that William did not give the disease to anyone. 

I was so devastated to read this story, for a number of reasons.  First, I find it disheartening that at this day and time, people, especially women, are having unprotected sex, specifically with someone you’re not dating exclusively.  Next, I can’t believe someone who knew their status would be so careless as to not protect their partner.  That lets me know that he didn’t care about his partners…AT ALL.  And although William is definitely to blame for his actions, I also put some ownness on his mother.  I believe Linda put her son and his friends, classmates, and potential mates at risk by NOT disclosing his condition to his school administrators.  What if he got injured at school?  Medical officials would need to know his status to further protect themselves and the students.  Mrs. Brawner did a real injustice and disservice to her son by not making him feel comfortable with his condition.  Yes, he may have met with some resistance, but let’s look at Rae Lewis-Thornton and Hydeia Broadbent, AIDS activist who are also HIV positive.  I’m not naive enough to believe people wouldn’t look at him crazy and automatically think things about him that are untrue.  But it would serve him when dealing with people who aren’t small-minded and are willing to get to know him for the person he is. 

The main thing I learned while reading about William is to not take anything for granted.  If you are sexually active, take your partner to get tested.  Make it a date.  (OK, maybe not the most romantic thing, but at least you know that you both are safe.)  And just because someone doesn’t “look” sick doesn’t mean they don’t have an illness.  And there are so many STD’s besides HIV, such as gonorrhea, chlamydia, and herpes, that can be contracted if safe sex isn’t practiced.  If you don’t care about your health, how do you expect anyone else to?  Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city.

Also, check out this article from “The Loop”.

The Black Woman, Non-Black Man Thing

It seems as if most relationship experts, authors, comedians, and the like are telling Black women if they are tired of being single then they should date non-Black men. But let’s face it-non-Black men are not checking for Black women, at least not at the rate Black men are dating non-Black women.

I’m not sure what is behind the phenomenon that Black women should look outside of our race to date. Maybe it’s because Black women have the highest percentage of never being married. But what I think should be taken into account is telling non-Black men to date Black women. I’m not a reader of “GQ” magazine, but I bet there’s never been an article titled “10 Reasons to Date a Black Woman”; I’m sure there’s not an article geared towards Latino men titled “How Dating a Black Woman Will Be Beneficial for You”.

So, why aren’t there any huge campaigns geared towards non-Black men to date us? I wish I knew. But all relationships take two people to participate. And having articles in “Essence”, “Ebony”, “Honey”, or any other publication isn’t going to get Black women to date non-Black men. Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!

Way Back Wednesday-”Jungle Fever”

In 1991, Spike Lee released a film that changed the way America looked at interracial dating.  This past weekend, I decided to watch ”Jungle Fever”, seeing as how I haven’t watched it in its entirety in some years (and it was part of the The Spike Lee Collection that I had just purchased).  And as is expected, my take-aways from the movie have evolved over the years.  I don’t exactly remember the source, but I do remember reading somewhere that Spike initially wanted to make a movie portraying how the crack epidemic was tearing up families in America.  He thought that people would not be receptive to that concept, so instead he decided to focus on interracial dating and have drug abuse be a subplot. 

Let’s be honest-interracial dating, in most cities across this country, is still considered taboo, so just imagine how it was tweny years ago.  Unfortunately, Flipper and Angie couldn’t make it work, but there are multiple interracial couples in the United States, despite funny looks and harassment from families and strangers alike, that have made it work.  Any relationship is hard, but let’s face it; interracial relationships can be extremely difficult.  The couple has to overcome obstacles and opposition that may arise from outsiders in regards to their relationship.  For some, race isn’t an issue.  For others, it’s the first thing they think about in the morning.

Twenty years ago, interracial dating was mainly focused on black people and white people.  Today, interracial dating has expanded to include blacks, whites, Asians, and Latinos.  I would like to think that as Americans, we have overcome the whole issue we have regarding dating outside of our race.  But I’m not naive, so I know this isn’t the case.  As a 21 year old, I dated a white guy for a few months.  When we went to most places, I was very cognizant of the looks we received, mainly from blacks.  He and I never discussed it, so I’m not sure if he was aware.  I do remember when he and I went to see “Bad Boys 2″ and some white teenagers sitting behind us where making derogatory comments about blacks and whites under their breaths, he quickly turned around and told them to “shut up!”.  It was an ok relationship; we were ridiculously young, but he was totally infatuated with me.  In the end, I don’t think he really had any ambition and I had just graduated from FAMU, so I felt that we weren’t equally yoked.  I think I would date interracially again, but I’m not sure I would marry a non-black man. 

The film brought to the silver screen conversations and issues that were occuring all over the U.S.  There’s a scene in the movie where Drew, Flipper’s wife, and her girlfriends sit around and discuss interracial dating, how black men leave black women for white women, and so forth.  I’ve had similar conversations with my friends, as I’m sure most black women in this country have.  But let’s not forget that Paulie, Angie’s ex-boyfriend, decided to take out one of his shops black customers.  He was ostracized and beat up for it by his fellow Italians.  Angie even received violence against her at the hands of her father.  In regards to drug abuse, Spike touched on how no matter what families do, if they have a loved one that’s on drugs, they may not be able to help them.  And there’s nothing like a mother’s love; Lucinda loved her oldest son, Gator, until the very end.  It took her awhile to see that Gator was no good, but by then he had already “borrowed” so much money and stole her television.  The movie also brought Halle Berry in a small but powerful role-a role that helped her win the part of a former drug addicted mother wanting to gain back custody of her son in the film “Losing Isaiah”.  We also saw Queen Latifah on the big screen for the first time.  Personally, I love “Jungle Fever”.  As a twenty-something year old, I’m much more appreciative of this movie than the first time I saw it as a teenager.  It had a great story line, great acting, and made you relate to the characters.

What have we gained from “Jungle Fever”?  Has the world evolved over the last twenty years when it comes to interracial dating?  Are we still having problems with drug abuse in this country?  What are your thoughts on the movie in general? 

Until next time, I’m just a Southern girl…in the city!

Related articles

• ‘Jungle Fever’ 20 years later (thegrio.com)
• Interracial Dating (reneamac.com)